All I ever wanted
by Gatzy
Summary: Nick Carraway is once again at one of Gatsby's party, once he gets drunk, all his emotions spills out of him and Gatsby is there to catch the depressed Nick. (written from Nick's perspective)


I was handed a very fancy glass of a very fancy drink, I gave this liquid fella a glance, doubted for a second and then decided to get exceptionally drunk.

The party was as grand as always and I was desperate to forget all the emotions and confusions that punched me in my stomach so often these days. I felt depressed, and have felt so quite a long time There was something inside me I wanted to push out, a nagging feeling of something that was missing. I loathed myself, _what is the goddam fault with me._ I wanted to smile and spread joy but instead I always found myself deep in thoughts so dark and miserable. My life was indeed miserable. Neither I have I found a wife, nor a job I enjoyed. I had no fancy house, no money and the only person I considered a friend, was a man who used me to get to my cousin. As a matter of fact, it was his party I now was hurriedly drinking all sort of alcohol handed to me by the bartenders, as if a desired award was waiting for me once I emptied the glasses. Jordan was dancing wildly a few steps away from me. I did come to the party with her, and I knew she considered me her man, although I couldn't care less. She was gorgeous, someone I should thirstily approach and share a dance with, but I didn't want to, there was nothing that drew me closer to her. I sighed, as mentioned, I couldn't in any way understand what was wrong with me. I hated myself for being so slow and insular.

I got very drunk, the world was spinning faster than any other carousel my mind have sat on when drunk. I saw how Jordan angrily talked with me, the woman talked so that spit covered my face, that was rather rare for a fine woman like her, I smiled at that. She was a ball, a ball of fire growing even bigger each second I didn't answer, exploding when she saw the smirk on my face. I stared her blankly in the eyes, not knowing what she was saying, not caring. Her hand connected with my right cheek, the ring with emerald details hit hard against my teeth and I groaned in pain. But I deserved it. I continued staring at her, my consciousness hitting myself even harder then her hand for being so cruel to an innocent woman. Another slap on my left cheek, if felt as if my mind was finally pleased, getting what I deserve at last. Jordan gave me a final look, so angry and hurt my eyes became blurry, and then stormed out of my sight. I did felt terrible, making my self-hating mind even more furious. Look at me, got completely drunk thinking it would ease my feelings, _what a mess I am._

It took me awhile to get outside, I wanted to be alone, I wanted no one to see my current state, I wanted no one to meet him - the careless, depressed Nick. But it was completely hopeless, Gatsby's place was bombarded with people and I therefore pointed my unstable feet towards my own house, who laid right next to Gatsby's, most definitely alone. That was how I felt, like a small, disliked and unused house disappearing under the shadow from Gatsby's great castle. I felt unnecessary, no one wanted me, not even myself. Gatsby had no use of me anymore, he had my cousin, if it wasn't because of his nobleness he wouldn't even pay me attention anymore. I sighed loudly, for some unknown reason it was always Gatsby that brushed against my thoughts, I wanted him to like me. I didn't want my cousin Daisy to make him smile, I wanted me to be that person. Despite that I knew that everything Gatsby said and did to me was an act to get to Daisy, I couldn't help but think how he was the only person I knew who appreciated me, the only one who saw light when it comes to me, the only one with hope for me. Although that didn't matter, my fantasies of Gatsby considering me a friend didn't matter. Nothing mattered if it wasn't real.

_My mother always told me I was a dreamer._

I threw up twice on the way home. I was so displeased with myself I started to cry. My body refused to carry me anymore and I stumbled towards a tree to hold on to. Tears ran across my cheeks. _So weak. You have always been weak_. I threw a punch against the huge tree trunk to shut my mind. The pain made me moan and I threw one more, causing my knuckles to crack and blood rushed from my hand. _You deserve to spill blood. _I gasped for air between my sobs and punches. _No one deserves you, no one wants you Nick. _"SHUT UP, SHUT UP!" I screamed to myself, letting my tears fall wildly and mix with the blood that covered the front of my suit. I was just about to throw another punch when two strong arms captured me and dragged me away from the tree. I was too desperate and angry with myself to bother, all I wanted, and all I ever wanted was for my pain to stop. I turned my head to see what face could belong to those arms that tightly held me, and whined when I saw the face of the beautiful man with blond hair.

"no… No let me go… not you" I muttered and desperately tried to crawl out of his grip, but with no luck.

"Nick… old sport, calm...calm yourself" he trembled. I could tell his voice was full of worry, but I didn't want that. I didn't want Gatsby to be worried about me, I didn't want him to pity me. His arms were still holding me from behind, and I struggled.

"Nick… I'm sure Jordan will forgive you, after all you were drunk and we have all made mistakes in that condition, o-" i interrupted him with a shaky laugh.

"I don't desire Jordan…" I hissed and silently added "_Jay_". Gatsby twitched at hearing his first name in a tone like that, turned me around and looked me confused in the eyes.

"Then what is all this about" he gulped, still holding me tightly.

I was angry at him. Who was he to ask me that, I should have just played along and pretend to be sad because of Jordan. I felt tears pour from my eyes once again, I really hated myself.

"Why do you care-" I begun, but corrected myself,

"why do you _pretend_ to care about me". I muttered and stared at Gatsby, who looked back at me, still confused.

"But...I do care about you, old sport" he stuttered. I looked at him foolishly, did he really believe I'd fall for that? Tears continued to stream from my eyes but at this point I stopped caring. I knew I was an embarrassment and I was going to spend my life alone, like I had before Gatsby as well.

"Daisy." I corrected him and he gave me a surprised look " Daisy is what you care about. I know you used me to collect her back. You know, before I knew about you obsession, I thought you did all those things for me out of kindness" I cried and Gatsby let the grip he held around me fall.

"I thought… I thought I was special to you. You were the first person to treat me like that, and yet it was all a dream." Gatsby looked at me with pain and sorrow in his eyes, he opened his mouth to speak, but no words left him. I glanced at his white suit, now covered in my blood and took a few steps away from him.

"Nick… please-" Gatsby stuttered but I interrupted him once again, now with an anger boiling inside of me,

"SHUT UP" I yelled at him, crying even harder. "I'M A FOOL, A GIGANTIC FAILURE, I KNOW THAT. I DISGUST MYSELF EVERY DAY. I HAVE NOT DONE ANYTHING GOOD IN THIS WORLD AND DESERVED TO BE PUNISHED, SO WOULD YOU PLEASE, PLEASE LEAVE ME BE." my throat hurt from screaming, I was so angry with myself I felt like dying and all I wanted was for Gatsby to leave. There was a long moment neither of us spoke, I breathed deeply and prepared to turn my back and leave. But before I could act Gatsby took three harsh steps towards me, he looked as mad as a person could ever look, his face as red as fire and eyes filled with rage. He lifted his fist and collided it with my face. The punch made me fall backwards and land hard on the damp grass, I groaned, shocked with surprise and lifted my head only to see Jay Gatsby fly on me on the ground. He placed his head only a few centimeters above my own.

"You may think all sort of things about me. But when you put yourself down like that...Just...just dont. Nick you are one of the most clever men I've ever met, one of the most honest, wonderful and kindest. You are absolutely no failure. Don't punish yourself." at first his voice was low and fumed but it softened up and despite the fact that I was laying on the ground, full of blood, I couldn't help but let myself get caressed by his words.

"You...you…" I swallowed hard, "You...think?" I mumbled carefully. Gatsby shook his head slowly.

"No, no, no, I know, old sport." He grabbed me by the shoulders to lift me up, I didn't do much to help him push me on the feet, I was too busy thinking about what he said to me. Gatsby took my hand and inspected it for a few moment, as he reached down his pocket for some blankets to clean my bloody knuckles he spoke.

"does this take away your thoughts?" he asked carefully, looking at my damaged hands. I nodded and looked away from him, I couldn't stand looking him in the eyes, I felt so ashamed.

"Yes... but mostly the voice in my head" I confessed and Gatsby sighed sadly. His hand was slowly stroking my hand with a blanket and I moaned in pain and despair. He led me towards my house and I followed without speaking a word. He picked out my keys from my pockets, gently put me on my sofa, sat beside me and continued on taking care of my damaged hands. I watched him as he concentrated on making the pain as little as possible. This wasn't the first time i had destroyed my knuckles punching things, but it was the first time someone saw me and took care of me. Part of me wanted to believe what Gatsby had said was true, but after all these years of misery it was rather hard for me. Although I pushed my scarred past away, just for now at least, this moment was precious to me, no matter how ashamed I was.

The times when Gatsby's fingers were outside the blanket and brushed against my bare skin my stomach turned, I wanted this to keep on going forever, no matter how much pain I'd have to suffer. Gatsby looked up at me and gave me one of those smiles, smiles that could make anyone's stomach twitch. Maybe I was lucky to have him as a friend after all... I shut my eyes dreamily as Gatsby wiped the blood from my nose, his fingers against my skin truly made my knees weak. I felt so confused.

"Nick… I might know many people, and many people know me, but despite that I consider you my only friend. I am terribly sorry for not making sure you knew that, for letting you think I played with you. I would never toy with your kindness" Gatsby said and removed his hands from my face. I kept my eyes closed, dizzy from his touch.

"No... I am the one who should apologize." I stammered, opening my eyes, "I am sorry for the way I acted... I've been feeling bad for a long time and I was really drunk. I shouldn't have tossed it all at you"

Gatsby shook his head and looked at me with eyes as blue as the water in a pool. "I don't want to hear an apology from you. You did nothing wrong except from saying all those things about yourself. I am the one who should apologize, old sport. I shouldn't have let Daisy have such a great impact on me. Her voice is full of nothing but money. Instead I should have valued other bonds. Our bond." He spoke with his voice low, never letting his eyes leave mine.

I was beyond words, the fact that Gatsby considered us two friends, the fact that he wished he'd spend more time with me and not Daisy made my head spin. I smiled at him.

"You see, old sport, I'm here to help, so if there is anything else you'd need to talk through, I'm here fore you." He told me.

I put my head in my hands and muttered;

"J...Jordan".

Gatsby rested his head on his arm and raised an eyebrow,

"I thought you said you didn't desire her?" he wondered and waited for me to continue.

"I don't! I never had, and that is the thing! Not any woman have I loved, surely there must be something wrong with me..." I sighed and grabbed an apple from the bowl that laid on the table. It hurt to bite it due to the injuries my face have suffered this day, but I longed the sweet taste.

"Maybe..." Gatsby begun. He took a long pause before clearing his throat and continue, "...Maybe...just _maybe_... you like men?" he asked and watched as I quickly lifted my head in surprise. what.

I didn't answer him. I sat quiet, still with the apple in my hand. Although now I didn't move it closer to my mouth, I just held it, paralyzed. I felt my heart beat fast as if I was running, what did Gatsby just say? _Me_? A _homosexual_? I couldn't believe it. I was about to protest, but not a word escaped my mouth. I thought about it, felt offended by Gatsby's assumption and my heart started beating even faster. I did spoke truth when I told Gatsby I had never loved, never loved a woman. No it can't be. I couldn't think of one man I could have had feelings for either, Gatsby was wrong. As I spoke his name in my mind it hit me. _Gatsby_.


End file.
